With thousands of human
students in flight and hundreds more now in the clutches of living death, Utah
State University faculty members are preparing for the rise of an undead
student body.
“If the zombie numbers become too big then I am afraid,” said Charlie Huenemann, a philosophy professor at Utah State. “But I’m pretty good with a hockey stick. And I can try to protect myself and other human students that are around.”
But members of The Horde say academics need not worry — zombies won’t be killing professors.
“If the zombie numbers become too big then I am afraid,” said Charlie Huenemann, a philosophy professor at Utah State. “But I’m pretty good with a hockey stick. And I can try to protect myself and other human students that are around.”
But members of The Horde say academics need not worry — zombies won’t be killing professors.
“We need to keep them
alive,” said Marlee Haywood, the Harbinger of Death. “We want to keep
learning.”
Professors aren’t convinced.
“They’re not capable of higher learning,” said Harrison Kleiner, a philosophy professor at Utah State. “Zombies have a tyrannical appetite — an appetite so out of control that it dominates all of their actions. They’re just constantly trying to eat brains.”
Kleiner believes insatiable desires and appetites will seriously frustrate a zombie’s capacity to learn.
“Look, Plato puts it this way: there are three powers in the soul — reason, spirit and appetite,” he said. “And in order for reason to do its work, the appetites have to be moderated or else they’ll come to monopolize the person’s interest in activities.”
Haywood doesn’t agree.
"I think we’re very capable of learning,” Haywood said. “We’re smart zombies. We have strategy, communication and organization.”
In fact, Haywood said zombies are so committed to their educations that they intend to remove the distraction of human flesh altogether by purging campus. And at the rate they’re going it will only be a matter of time.
But many professors aren’t planning to stick around.
“We’ll just run off to a conference, like we usually do,” Huenemann said.
Professors aren’t convinced.
“They’re not capable of higher learning,” said Harrison Kleiner, a philosophy professor at Utah State. “Zombies have a tyrannical appetite — an appetite so out of control that it dominates all of their actions. They’re just constantly trying to eat brains.”
Kleiner believes insatiable desires and appetites will seriously frustrate a zombie’s capacity to learn.
“Look, Plato puts it this way: there are three powers in the soul — reason, spirit and appetite,” he said. “And in order for reason to do its work, the appetites have to be moderated or else they’ll come to monopolize the person’s interest in activities.”
Haywood doesn’t agree.
"I think we’re very capable of learning,” Haywood said. “We’re smart zombies. We have strategy, communication and organization.”
In fact, Haywood said zombies are so committed to their educations that they intend to remove the distraction of human flesh altogether by purging campus. And at the rate they’re going it will only be a matter of time.
But many professors aren’t planning to stick around.
“We’ll just run off to a conference, like we usually do,” Huenemann said.
UnDeadline reporters Lauren Petty, Madeline
Millburn, Manda Perkins and Jisa Robinson contributed to this report.
