Leaves rustled across the deserted quad. Amidst the silence there was a faint
cry. Something was struggling near Old Main. Its breath wheezed and its body
lay mangled in the grass. It was dying. It hadn’t tasted human flesh in 48
hours.
Zombie students at Utah State University have been dropping dead this week as they've found it increasingly difficult to feed on human brains before their 48th hour of hunger expires. Their insatiable appetite for human flesh has diminished their food supply.
“We are getting worried because we are trying to figure out what we need to do to find food,” said Marlee Haywood, the Harbinger of Death. “Our numbers are starting to drop one by one and everyone is starving.”
Zombie students at Utah State University have been dropping dead this week as they've found it increasingly difficult to feed on human brains before their 48th hour of hunger expires. Their insatiable appetite for human flesh has diminished their food supply.
“We are getting worried because we are trying to figure out what we need to do to find food,” said Marlee Haywood, the Harbinger of Death. “Our numbers are starting to drop one by one and everyone is starving.”
Charlie Huenemann, a professor of philosophy at Utah State, said zombies need to find an alternative solution.
“What zombies should be worried about is what they’re going to do now,” Huenemann said. “They should think about farming humans, otherwise they’re going to run out of food and they’re going to die.”
The problem, Huenemann said, is that zombies lack the cognitive capabilities required to come up with the idea on their own — and he’s not going to tell them.
Scott DeBerard, a professor of psychology at Utah State, said it’s survival of the fittest. Zombies will have to hunt for food elsewhere in order to sustain their gluttonous appetites.
“They’re going to leave Cache Valley,” DeBerard said, “then go to Weber State — maybe even to the U.”
Jason Leiker, a professor of sociology at Utah State, agreed.
“I think they’re going to wander off campus,” Leiker said. “Hopefully they go south toward Ogden and not back up toward us. I’m not armed with enough Nerf pellets to defend myself.”
But Leiker added that zombie extinction is too good to be true.
“As a sociologist, I am confident in their abilities to survive and I don’t think they’re going away,” Leiker said. “Every year the zombies win and every year they sort of disappear. But they’ll come back in the spring when the weather turns nice.”
As it turns out, The Horde is planning to leave Utah State.
“We’re going to leave campus and find our food in other places,” Haywood said. “College kids tend to be the most tasty, so we’ll go to college campuses and spread infection as much as we can. We’ll kill off humans one by one until they are completely gone.”
“We’re going to leave campus and find our food in other places,” Haywood said. “College kids tend to be the most tasty, so we’ll go to college campuses and spread infection as much as we can. We’ll kill off humans one by one until they are completely gone.”
UnDeadline reporters Lauren Petty, Madeline Millburn, Manda
Perkins and Jisa Robinson contributed to this report.
