But as the zombie population increases at Utah State University, it has become more difficult for the undead to attract living dates — a fact some attribute to their decaying flesh.
And that makes Brandon
Whitby sad.
“I mean, so what if someone’s missing an eyeball or a limb?” said Whitby, a member of The Horde. “We may be dead but there’s nothing wrong with a little lovin’.”
Baden Thomas, another member of The Horde, attributes his lack of human action to epidermal deformities.
“My tongue is basically nonexistent at this point,” Thomas said. “It would be like kissing leather.”
In addition to decomposing flesh, human girls are repulsed by the smell of the undead, which has been described by some to be akin to moldy socks and empty sardine cans.
“They just don’t appreciate the smell,” said Nick Clason, a self-proclaimed example of putrid waste.
Eric Everson, a psychological resident for Counseling and Psychological Services at Utah State, said it’s important to establish common ground in every relationship.
“Obviously being dead is a pretty big difference,” Everson said. “But there needs to be some common interest, whether it’s an interest in sports or other activities.”
Thomas agreed.
“I want to date a girl with leprosy,” he said. “Then I could converse with her about things we have in common, like losing an arm.”
Despite Everson’s advice,
Kelvin Boxham, a fighter for the human resistance, said he would shoot a
zombie’s brains out before dating one.
“I used to think it was all just personality,” Boxham said. “But over time I realized that you need to be physically attracted; and zombies are ugly pieces of crap.”
Whitby understands that inter-mortal relationships might require humans to reevaluate their sexual morals.
“It’s necrophilia,” Whitby said. “And it’s not as bad as people think it is. People think it’s so gross but they just have to get over that initial psychological hump.”
“I used to think it was all just personality,” Boxham said. “But over time I realized that you need to be physically attracted; and zombies are ugly pieces of crap.”
Whitby understands that inter-mortal relationships might require humans to reevaluate their sexual morals.
“It’s necrophilia,” Whitby said. “And it’s not as bad as people think it is. People think it’s so gross but they just have to get over that initial psychological hump.”
Everson said he’d never
seen a human-zombie relationship work, but didn’t rule out the possibility —
particularly with all the newly undead on campus this week.
In the meantime, he offered some advice to the men of the zombie community: “Make sure all appendages are there when you're around her — if not, cover them up.”
UnDeadline reporters Lauren Petty, Madeline
Millburn, Manda Perkins and Jisa Robinson contributed to this report.
